When I was pregnant with Tommy I was due mid October. So I spent the last couple months of pregnancy during the summer. In ARIZONA! Those of you in good old AZ know that summertime is the WORST time to be pregnant. It's HOT!
At the time, we were house sitting for Justin's aunt and uncle. They had a big pool in their backyard and I lived in it. I remember it was the only time I was really comfortable. Being weightless while you're 7, 8, 9 months pregnant is quite priceless.
That was the summer that Gwen Stefani's song The Sweet Escape was all the rage. I would get in the pool and turn on the radio and the song would play about 10 times before I finally got out. (Seriously, I would stay in practically all day!)
This morning that song came on while I was doing my makeup. I had to stop for a minute and just listen. It brought me back to a time before I wasn't quite a mom yet. I remember being a little nervous, but confident that I would be a good mom. But I wasn't quite prepared for the changes motherhood brought. I think being prepared for parenthood is impossible.
The first time you see your baby is just indescribable. To say you love them just doesn't seem enough. You love and adore absolutely everything. Head to toe, your baby is perfection. As time goes on, that love only gets stronger. I think if I had been able to comprehend that before having Tommy I think I would have been scared.
You know they will experience all the joys and sorrows of life. You can't block them from the sorrows. You can only be there for them through it. You know that when life doesn't go their way they will hurt, but the hurt you feel for them will be even greater. What happens when your heart is no longer inside you, but in every one of your kids? Sometimes it can feel very vulnerable. It's scary, loving someone that much. Knowing if anything happened to one of them, your heart would break in a million pieces.
It wasn't until I became a mother, that I could truly appreciate all that my parents did for me. You love your parents, brothers, sisters. You love your husband more than you think you can love anyone else. But nothing compares to how much you love your babies. They will always come first. Knowing my parents love me that much, makes me see them completely differently.
When we decided to have another baby, I wondered how I could possibly have enough love for two kids. I loved Tommy so much, I just didn't think it was possible to love another baby as much. A person can go crazy loving so many people that much! lol But sure enough, seeing Tristan for the first time and having him lay in my arms was just breathtaking. Just as special to me as when I held Tommy for the first time.
Having two brings on a whole new set of joys and challenges. When they wrestle and play together, I don't think I've ever felt so happy. Knowing Justin and I gave them that gift, to have a brother, is just incredible. It's surreal, to think we made them. But then when they fight, or Tommy doesn't want to share his toys, I see they won't always get along. They may never fully appreciate Justin and I or each other until they become parents themselves.
But isn't that what being a parent is all about? Patience, firstly. Knowing they will make mistakes (probably the same mistakes we did as kids and teenagers), and you have to let them. You can't tell them you know best, and expect them to not see for themselves. Ultimately, you have to let your kids make their own choices. Unfortunately, you can't lock them up forever and protect them from everything. (Though sometimes you wonder, why isn't that an option?!?)
Being a parent is the best and hardest thing you'll ever do. You'll make more sacrifices than you thought you could, put your needs aside each and every day. But somehow, just one little smile or "I love you" from your baby, makes it all worth it and more.
I want to say to my mom, I appreciate the sacrifices you made for me. I'm so very thankful for all the brothers and sisters you gave me. For spending a fortune on my braces even though I hated them. (My dad deserves credit for that too. lol) For watching me make mistakes and not locking me up in a box like you probably wanted to. For trusting me to marry who I knew was right for me. For crying when you read my Mother's Day cards. I love you.
And to my two rambunctious boys, I will always love you. I promise to always do the best I can, no matter what. I promise not to lock you up in a box when I'm afraid of the decisions you might make. You mean the world to me. You are my Sweet Escape.
